Hillarious Quotes

• La gente dice que el dinero no es la llave de la felicidad, pero yo siempre he pensado que si tienes suficiente dinero, te pueden hacer una llave.

  Joan Rivers

  Felicidad, Dinero, Vida Divertida

  "Recordando Joan Rivers" por Erica Diamond, www.huffingtonpost.com. 8 de septiembre de 2014.

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• I succeeded by saying what everyone else is thinking.

  Joan Rivers

  Success, Inspiration, Memorable

  "Funny Ladies" by B. Adler, (p. 272), 2001.

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• She's so pure, Moses couldn't even part her knees.

  Joan Rivers

  Sarcastic, Knees, Moses

  "The Mammoth Book of Comic Quotes". Book by Geoff Tibballs, 2012.

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• Life is very tough. If you don't laugh, it's tough.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Laughing, Beloved

  "11 Things Joan Rivers Taught Us About Life" by Erin Weinger, www.hollywoodreporter.com. September 4, 2014.

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• My daughter and I are very close, we speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "pick up, I know you're there."

  Joan Rivers

  Daughter, Memorable, Speak

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• I hate thin people; 'Oh, does the tampon make me look fat?'

  Joan Rivers

  Hate, Memorable, People

  "Joan Rivers’ Birthday: Her Funniest Fashion Disses (PHOTOS)" by Lauren Leibowitz, www.huffingtonpost.com. June 8, 2013.

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• I must admit I am nervous about getting Alzheimer's. Once it hits, I might tell my best joke and never know it.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Alzheimer's, Comedian

  Twitter post from Jul 02, 2014

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• Mi vida amorosa es como un trozo de queso suizo; falta la mayor parte, y lo que hay apesta.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Love Life, Missing

  "No olvidado", www.nytimes.com. 8 de junio de 2015.

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• Looking 50 is great, if you're 60.

  Joan Rivers

  Birthday, Memorable, Age

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• Es tan peluda que cuando levantó el brazo pensé que tenía a Tina Turner en la axila.

  Joan Rivers

  Arms, Armpits, Turner

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• I like colonic irrigation because sometimes you find old jewelry.

  Joan Rivers

  Jewelry, Sometimes, Irrigation

  "Joan Rivers: the best of her career in clips and quotes" by Lilah Raptopoulos, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

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• I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

  Joan Rivers

  Reading, Liquid, Proof

  Joan Rivers @Joan_Rivers, twitter.com. July 09, 2010.

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• Elizabeth Taylor's so fat she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.

  Joan Rivers

  Aspirin, Mayonnaise, Fats

  "Nicole Arbour Controversy" by James Fell, www.askmen.com.

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• All babies look like Renée Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

  Joan Rivers

  Baby, Glasses, Looks

  Joan Rivers: the best of her career in clips and quotes" by Lilah Raptopoulos, www.theguardian.com. September 04, 2014.

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• Le dije a mi marido: '¿Por qué no gritas mi nombre cuando hacemos el amor? Me contestó: 'No quiero despertarte'.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, Husband, Names

  "Joan Rivers dies: Celebrate comedian's life with her 80 bitchiest putdowns and funniest one-liners" by Steve Anglesey and Carl Greenwood, www.mirror.co.uk. September 04, 2014.

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• She's so fat, she's my two best friends.

  Joan Rivers

  Two Best Friends, Two, Fats

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• No man will ever put his hand up your dress looking for a library card.

  Joan Rivers

  Men, Hands Up, Library

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• I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.

  Joan Rivers

  People, Boss, Matter

  "Joan Rivers Interview: Her 6 Best One-Liners". Interview with Merle Ginsberg, www.hollywoodreporter.com. June 12, 2013.

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• Supe que era un bebé no deseado cuando vi que mis juguetes de baño eran una tostadora y una radio.

  Joan Rivers

  Divertido, Ingenioso, Bebé

  "The 2,548 Best Things Anybody Ever Said"by R. Byrne, (p. 94), 2003.

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• She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.

  Joan Rivers

  Funny, War, Stupid

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• I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.

  Joan Rivers

  Circles, Outsiders, Jokes

  "Biography/ Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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• Gracias a Dios vivimos en un país donde el cielo es el límite, las tiendas abren hasta tarde y se puede comprar en la cama gracias a la televisión.

  Joan Rivers

  Gracias, País, Moda

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• I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.

  Joan Rivers

  Memorable, Comedian, Wish

  "On Being Blonde" by P. Munier, (p. 84), 2004.

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• La primera vez que vea sonreír a un corredor, lo tendré en cuenta.

  Joan Rivers

  Inspiración, Divertido, Correr

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• My sex life is so bad, my G-spot has been declared a historical landmark.

  Joan Rivers

  Sex, Historical, Life Is

  "Biography / Personal Quotes". www.imdb.com.

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