Jerry Seinfeld Quotes - Page 4

• I have no plants in my house. They won't live for me. Some of them don't even wait to die, they commit suicide.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Suicide, Suicidal, House

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• Have you ever noticed that the waiter who takes your order is not the one who brings your food anymore? What is THAT about? And which waiter are you tipping, anyway? I think next time I go to a restaurant I'll just say, "Oh, sorry, I only eat the food. The guy who pays the bill will be along shortly."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Sorry, Thinking, Order

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• I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

  Jerry Seinfeld

  People, Feelings, Unfortunate

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• Bueno, los cumpleaños no son más que el símbolo de cómo ha pasado otro año y de lo poco que hemos crecido. No importa lo desesperados que estemos de que algún día surja un yo mejor, con cada parpadeo de las velas de la tarta, sabemos que no va a ser así, que para el resto de nuestras tristes, desdichadas y patéticas vidas, esto es lo que somos hasta el amargo final. Inevitablemente, irrevocablemente; ¿feliz cumpleaños? Nada de eso.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Birthday, Self, Years

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• Every day when everybody would have lunch I would do TM [Transcendental Meditation] and then I would eat while I was working because I had missed lunch but that is how I survived the 9 years [of Seinfeld], it was that 20 minutes in the middle of the day would save me.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Years, Lunch, Meditation

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• Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Crazy Ideas, Can Do, Proven

  "El lado divertido de la calle". Entrevista con Rick Lyman, www.theguardian.com. 20 de septiembre de 2002.

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• What causes homophobia? What is it that makes the heterosexual man worry about this? I think it's because deep down all men know that we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously I can be talked into anything. What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store thinking it's a shoe store and the salesmen says, 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around a little bit, see how it feels. No obligation, no pressure, just try it.'

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hurt, Men, Thinking

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• You know I have been issued a public urination pass by the city because of my condition. Unfortunately, my little brother ran out of the house with it this morning. Him and his friends are probably peeing all over the city.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Morning, Brother, Cities

  "Seinfeld" (season 3), "The Parking Garage" (3.6), September 18, 1991.

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• If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Long, Stories, Want

  "Seinfeld (The Wallet)". TV Series, www.imdb.com. September 23, 1992.

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• There are more social skills required to talk one-on-one [than to an audience]. You don't have to be socially fluid to talk to two thousand people.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Skills, Two, People

  14 Copiar cita

• I love advertising because I love lying.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Mentir, Publicidad

  "Jerry Seinfeld's Clio acceptance speech is a standup routine for our times" by Brian Logan, www.theguardian.com. December 18, 2014.

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• My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Moving, Funny Relationship, Florida

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• If someone's lying, are their pants really on fire

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Lying, Inspiration, Fire

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• The best revenge is living well.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Revenge, Live Well, Wells

  "Fictional character: Jerry Seinfeld". TV Series "Seinfeld" ("The Revenge", 1991), www.imdb.com. 1989-1998.

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• Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Hilarious, Light, Twenties

  9 Copiar cita

• ¿Sabes por qué los perros no tienen dinero? No tienen bolsillos. Porque ven cambio en la calle todo el tiempo y los vuelve locos. Cuando los paseas, siempre te está mirando. "Hay un cuarto...."

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Dog, Crazy

  21 Copiar cita

• You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Essence, Comedy, Crankiness

  "Takes One to Know One". Interview with David Steinberg, www.latimes.com.

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• You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Coffee, Needs, Culture

  17 Copiar cita

• Not that there's anything wrong with that.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Memorable, Kramer, Thirsty

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• There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Smart, Helping, Lifestyle

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• A veces creo que se pone más creatividad en las recetas de magdalenas que en el resto de la sociedad junta.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Creativity, Thinking, Recipes

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• I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Answers, Sprinkles, Littles

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• Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Funny, Makeup, Color

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• I love advertising because I love lying. I think spending your life trying to dupe innocent people out of hard-won earnings to buy useless, low-quality, misrepresented items and services is an excellent use of your energy.

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Wisdom, Lying, Thinking

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• Have you ever noticed how they keep improving your laundry detergent, but they still can't get those blue flakes out? Why do we trust them to get our clothes clean? These guys can't even get the DETERGENT white!

  Jerry Seinfeld

  Blue, White, Clothes

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