Iliza Shlesinger Quotes

• You know what happened the last time a group of people said, 'Screw it, we don't care what you think'? They got hung as witches.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Pensamiento, Personas, Cuidado

  27 Copiar cita

• No puedes ir al baño sola... podrías no volver. Porque ninguna chica ha ido sola al baño y ha sobrevivido. Es verdad. La última mujer que lo intentó, fue en 1937 y se llamaba Amelia Earhart.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Names, Might

  30 Copiar cita

• Passion always finds a way. Follow your passion and everything else will work out.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Passion, Work Out, Way

  30 Copiar cita

• Ambos son salados, uno me dará túnel carpiano, voy a ir con las patatas fritas.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Tunnels, Giving, Fries

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• If I could have any job I would be a cat... but that's not something I'm supposed to talk about in public.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Jobs, Cat, Would Be

  19 Copiar cita

• Ladies, just know that when you grow your hair too long, you got about two inches difference between really hot, sexy supermodel - religious fanatic. Hot Maxim cover girl everybody wants a mouth kiss - unhealthy faith in your lord. Soft, silky, shiny hair everyone wants to touch - one of 12 brides.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Sexy, Religious

  19 Copiar cita

• I wasn't a 'hot chick' in high school. I was 'funny' and a tomboy and probably a little uncomfortable with my amazing boobs.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  School, Hot, Littles

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• I learned this one growing up in Texas and, subsequently, living in Los Angeles: always use the 'usted' form when speaking to a Spanish official. Mexican border patrol cops don't like it when you call them 'amigo,' give them a hardy pat on the back, slip a $20 in their pocket. No bueno, it doesn't fly. By the way, those of you not laughing at that obviously took French in high school, and that was a gay choice.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Growing Up, School, Gay

  28 Copiar cita

• Everyone has their personal topics. My comedy has always been very strong on observational humor, it stems from what I see every day in my life.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Strong, Topics, Comedy

  21 Copiar cita

• I was in New York last Christmas - it's snowing; there's a guy in a t-shirt. I'm like, 'Dude, aren't you cold?' 'No, I'm from New York. I don't get cold.' Just 'cause you're from a cold place doesn't mean you're genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You're not a penguin. I was like, 'In fact, sir, you're Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  New York, Mean, Snow

  20 Copiar cita

• It feels amazing to just be here and be able to share my jokes with the world. It's not so much about being a girl, it's about being a funny comic.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, World, Able

  21 Copiar cita

• As a comedian, as an entertainer, there's a lot of downtime. Once you can accept that comedy is a marathon, not a sprint, it gets a little easier.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Acceptance, Comedian, Downtime

  16 Copiar cita

• The only reason people work for airlines is because the Nazi party is no longer hiring.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Party, People, Reason

  11 Copiar cita

• I don't tend to like race jokes. I don't like Jew jokes and black jokes, and they make me very uncomfortable, probably because I'm both. Well, I'm not black - but if I was then I could dance better.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Race, Black, Uncomfortable

  16 Copiar cita

• When you're missing your two front teeth, that's honesty. That is a door to your oral history. You're not covering anything up. You're saying, 'Hey world, I'm missing my front teeth. I'm gross; I'm dirty; I'm poor. I clearly have no problem with public urination and eating garbage. Don't come near me, I'll gum you to death!

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Honesty, Dirty, Two

  18 Copiar cita

• When you ask a girl out and she suggest a bar, you're answer shouldn't be great, I like that bar and they'll have the Rockets game on too.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Girl, Games, Bars

  15 Copiar cita

• I don't hate other women. Let me rephrase that: I hate other women and men - people in general can be annoying - but I've never disliked a woman for being beautiful.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Beautiful, Hate, Men

  12 Copiar cita

• I don't come up with ideas, they come to me. I write them down and try to convey what's wrong with me to the audience as best I can.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Writing, Ideas, Trying

  12 Copiar cita

• When you get off stage, the audience should know a little bit about you. Not where you are from, but how you see the world. And that's the difference between like a Chris Rock joke, and like an open-miker.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Differences, Rocks, World

  13 Copiar cita

• It said, 'War Is Not the Answer.' I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you don't agree with me, happy Fourth of July.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  War, Thinking, July

  7 Copiar cita

• I always wished my dad was there to intimidate my boyfriends or something. It's supposed to be your dad giving your guys friends the stink-eye for sneaking beer through your house, not your mom.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Mom, Dad, Eye

  10 Copiar cita

• We've all been there, onstage. You say something you don't mean, you make fun of something on accident but... This wasn't that. This wasn't crowd work. This was a rehearsed set. This was pointed.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Fun, Mean, Crowds

  9 Copiar cita

• You're not a road comic till you've watched Real Sex and American Greed alone in your hotel room.

  Iliza Shlesinger

  Sex, Real, Greed

  4 Copiar cita

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