Mitch Hedberg Quotes - Page 8

• I like those blow-up beds. "This becomes a full size bed in three minutes!" Well, a mattress kicks your ass. Zero seconds. "Yeah, but you can store this thing." You can store a bed, too - in the bedroom.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Cero, Humor

  11 Copiar cita

• I've got a wallet, it's orange. In case I wanna buy a deer. That doesn't make any sense at all.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Orange

  5 Copiar cita

• I get the Reese's candy bar. You look at that, there's an apostrophe-s there. That means the candy bar is his. I didn't know that. Next time you're eating a Reese's candy bar, and a guy named Reese comes by and says, "Gimme that", you better hand it over.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Maldad

  10 Copiar cita

• I met this girl, she was an actress, and she gave me her number. It started with 555.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Chica, Humor

  17 Copiar cita

• Alcoholism is the only disease that you can get yelled at for having.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Drinking, Alcohol, Disease

  15 Copiar cita

• If I had a dollar for every time I said that, I'd be making money in a very weird way.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Time, Dollars, Way

  "Do You Believe in Gosh?". Live Album by Mitch Hedberg, September 9, 2008.

  10 Copiar cita

• I was going to stay overnight at my friend's house - he said, "you'll have to sleep on the floor." Damn gravity! You don't know how bad I wanted to sleep on the wall.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Wall, Sleep

  11 Copiar cita

• I was going to get my teeth whitened, but I said, "I'll just get a tan instead."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Teeth

  8 Copiar cita

• I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Salt

  10 Copiar cita

• When you're in Hollywood and you're a comedian, everybody wants you to do other things. All right, you're a stand-up comedian, can you write us a script? That's not fair. That's like if I worked hard to become a cook, and I'm a really good cook, they'd say, "OK, you're a cook. Can you farm?"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Escritura, Humor

  8 Copiar cita

• It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Inspirador, Divertido, Baile

  13 Copiar cita

• I got a king-sized bed. I don't know any kings, but if one came over, I guess he'd be comfortable.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Kings, Bed, Knows

  "Sólo para reír: On The Edge". 2002.

  9 Copiar cita

• When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Light

  13 Copiar cita

• I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Cosas

  12 Copiar cita

• I thought I'd go to a craft fair, and there would be a jar of jellybeans there - "Guess how many jellybeans are in this jar, and win a prize". Aw, come on, man, let just me have some. I'll tell you what, guess how many jellybeans I want! If you guessed a handful, you are right.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Ganar

  12 Copiar cita

• I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Hombres

  YouTube Chanel "TheHYPO "/"Mitch Hedberg 2004 Just For Laughs gala", www.youtube.com. April 21, 2007.

  11 Copiar cita

• Ya sabes, no puedes complacer a toda la gente todo el tiempo... y anoche, toda esa gente estaba en mi espectáculo.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Noche

  7 Copiar cita

• I have found when I look at an audience that the expressions on the peoples' faces aren't always up to par with the sounds that they're making. A crowd can sound like they're having a good time when your eyes are closed but if you open your eyes, the looks on some of those faces don't equal the sound.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Eye, Expression, Sound

  Source: www.comedymoontower.com

  13 Copiar cita

• I'm into carpooling, because sometimes my car gets hot and needs to refresh itself.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Car

  9 Copiar cita

• Estaba en un casino ocupándome de mis asuntos, y un tipo se me acercó y me dijo: 'Vas a tener que moverte, estás bloqueando una salida de incendios'. Como si si hubiera un incendio, yo no fuera a correr. Si eres inflamable y tienes piernas, nunca bloquearás una salida de incendios.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Running, Block

  13 Copiar cita

• People think I'm into sports because I'm a man. But I'm not into sports. I like Gatorade, but that's about as far as it goes. By the way, you don't have to be sweaty and play basketball to enjoy Gatorade. You can just be a thirsty dude. Gatorade forgets about this demographic!

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Basketball, Sports

  14 Copiar cita

• They could take sesame seeds off the market and I wouldn't even care. I can't imagine 5 years from now saying, "Remember sesame seeds? What happened? All the buns are blank!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Years

  "Álbum en directo: "Mitch All Together". 9 de diciembre de 2003.

  10 Copiar cita

• I was at a bar, and this guy bumped into me, and he did not apologize, and he said, "Move!" I thought that was rude, so I said, "Go to hell!" Then I started to run. He caught up to me. He had a mustache, a goatee, a pair of earrings, sunglasses, a ponytail and he was wearing a hat. He said, "Hey, you got a lot of nerve!" I said, "Hey, you got a lot of... cranium accessories!"

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Running, Moving

  12 Copiar cita

• I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Divertido, Humor, Comedia

  7 Copiar cita

• Me gustan los rollos de canela, pero no siempre tengo tiempo para hacer una sartén. Por eso me gustaría que vendieran incienso de rollos de canela. Al fin y al cabo prefiero encender una barrita y que mi compañero de piso se despierte con falsas esperanzas.

  Mitch Hedberg

  Funny, Humor, Light

  60 Copiar cita

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