Craig Kilborn Quotes

• A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

  Craig Kilborn

  Drinking, College, Phones

  45 Copiar cita

• Democrats were quick to point out that President Bush's budget creates a 1 trillion dollar deficit. The White House quickly responded with 'Hey, look over there, it's Saddam Hussein.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Blanco, Casa, Presidente

  15 Copiar cita

• A study shows breast implants can cause nausea and dizziness... from all the free drinks.

  Craig Kilborn

  Drinking, Nausea, Causes

  4 Copiar cita

• Strange medical news from Pakistan: A man had a successful organ transplant with a dog. They gave the man a dog's organ. In a related story today, Keith Richards was seen chasing a mailman.

  Craig Kilborn

  Funny, Dog, Successful

  43 Copiar cita

• In a new poll 54 percent believed President Bush exaggerated the size of Iraq's missile threat. Hey, he's a guy.

  Craig Kilborn

  Iraq, Guy, President

  4 Copiar cita

• There was an embarrassing moment at a recent Democratic fundraiser. When John Kerry was handed a $10 million dollar check, he said, 'I do.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Dollars, Moments, Embarrassing

  4 Copiar cita

• In Massachusetts, scientists have created the first human clone. The bad thing is that in thirty years, the clone will still be depressed because the Boston Red Sox will still have not won a World Series.

  Craig Kilborn

  Boston, Years, Massachusetts

  7 Copiar cita

• My brother asked me once, 'Are you a misanthrope?' And I said, 'No, I just find people irritating.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Brother, People, Misanthrope

  4 Copiar cita

• Here in California, one candidate for governor is a 100-year-old woman. She's going door-to-door and asking one simple question - 'Do I live here?'

  Craig Kilborn

  Simple, Doors, Years

  "Hey, did you hear the one about the California recall election? Chads may have been hung in Florida, but the Golden State is keeping the nation's comics in funny business" by James Sullivan, www.sfgate.com. August 28, 2003.

  4 Copiar cita

• As the Democrats get revved up at their convention in Boston, President Bush is fighting back the only way he knows how: by going on vacation! Ah, it's nice to take a rest, replenish your supply of smirks. The vacation was expected, because Bush traditionally takes a month off every summer to relax and avoid reading National Security Warnings.

  Craig Kilborn

  Summer, Nice, Reading

  5 Copiar cita

• It's weird watching President Bush struggle with excuses
  for why we went to war. As he struggles, it reminds us
  all what a terrific liar Bill Clinton really was.

  Craig Kilborn

  War, Liars, Struggle

  4 Copiar cita

• Federal authorities have informed Martha Stewart's lawyers she will be indicted for her role in the ImClone insider trading scandal. Good news for Martha - stripes are back in this year.

  Craig Kilborn

  Years, Stripes, Roles

  4 Copiar cita

• Or as hockey player Sergei Fedorov knows it, 'The day I can legally start telling everyone I am sleeping with Anna Kournikova.'

  Craig Kilborn

  Sleep, Hockey, Player

  7 Copiar cita

• Today, John Kerry announced a fool-proof plan to wipe out the $500B deficit. John Kerry has a plan, he's going to put it on his wife's Gold Card.

  Craig Kilborn

  Wife, Gold, Cards

  4 Copiar cita

• Tom Ridge now says we don't have to run out and put plastic sheets all over the house. Great, tell that to my dead parakeet.

  Craig Kilborn

  Running, House, Plastic

  6 Copiar cita

• With Iraq plunging into chaos and gas prices at record highs President Bush took time out this weekend for a ride on his bicycle, but unfortunately he fell off and sustained cuts to his face and hands. Apparently Bush was distracted by the enormous responsibilities of the presidency. I'm just kidding. He hit some gravel or something.

  Craig Kilborn

  Responsibility, Cutting, Weekend

  4 Copiar cita

• The prison scandal is really hurting President Bush's poll numbers. In fact, I hear he's already working on his concession smirk.

  Craig Kilborn

  Hurt, Numbers, President

  10 Copiar cita

• Saddam Hussein is about to face trial and George Bush wants to execute him. Not because of the war crimes, but because Saddam is beating him in the polls.

  Craig Kilborn

  War, Trials, Hussein

  4 Copiar cita

• There has been no electricity in Baghdad for a week and the people are angry. You would be angry too if you couldn't watch your brand new stolen TV.

  Craig Kilborn

  People, Tvs, Baghdad

  5 Copiar cita

• I think mankind is overly sensitive, very needy, greedy, and flawed.

  Craig Kilborn

  Thinking, Greedy, Sensitive

  4 Copiar cita

• Our top story, in 'Threat Matrix Reloaded' news ... Attorney General John Ashcroft and FBI Director Robert Muller held a press conference today to announce that Al Qaeda is planning attacks somewhere inside the United States at sometime in the future. So go about your normal lives, but with a vague sense of foreboding.

  Craig Kilborn

  Directors, United States, News

  4 Copiar cita

• Critics say Arnold has no previous government experience, but advisers say he's clearly the most qualified Austrian, ex-Mr. Universe in the race.

  Craig Kilborn

  Race, Government, Critics

  4 Copiar cita

• The places I've worked in the past, I always stayed three years and moved on.

  Craig Kilborn

  Past, Years, Moved On

  4 Copiar cita

• President Bush announced a billion dollar mission to the moon and Mars. He came up with a snappy new slogan - to drill where no man has drilled before.

  Craig Kilborn

  Moon, Men, President

  4 Copiar cita

• ¿Viste caer la estatua? Bill Clinton se puso nostálgico al ver caer algo tan grande con una boina.

  Craig Kilborn

  Bills, Nostalgic, Clinton

  16 Copiar cita

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