Jim Gaffigan Quotes - Page 4

• Steakhouses sort of have this old-school nature to them; they're like museums full of good food. It's fun hearing the waiter share his expertise on the different cuts of beef and how they're going to cut up your baked potato.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Fun, School, Cutting

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• ¿Cuáles son exactamente los ingredientes del aliño ranchero? ¿Mayonesa y decepción?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Disappointment, Ingredients, Dressings

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Sep 17, 2011

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• El tocino es como lo contrario de la medicina. Es como, "Toma eso, Lipitor".

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Opposites, Medicine

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• No sé, creo que, sinceramente, el tema de los monologuistas es un poco tópico, porque la gente no considera que los monologuistas sean realmente actores.

  Jim Gaffigan

  People, Actors, Littles

  Interview with Steve Heisler, www.avclub.com. November 11, 2008.

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• ¿Alguna vez ha comprado un libro y no lo ha leído? Te sientes casi culpable por tenerlo en una estantería. La gente dice: "Oye, ¿cómo es ese libro?" "No lo he leído." "Oh, ¿acabas de comprarlo?" "Lo tengo desde el instituto." "Bueno, ¿me lo prestas?" "No."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Book, School

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• Jesus if you could cure our son's blindness that'd be great... And we'd love some shelves over there.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Jesus, Son, Shelves

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• ¿Alguna vez has mezclado dos grupos de amigos diferentes? Eso puede ser estresante. Siempre sientes que tienes que prepararlos. Estás como, "Esta gente de aquí, uh, no creen que bebo. Y no se asusten por mi acento británico."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Two

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• Lean Pockets, I don't even wanna know what's in those. I wonder what the directions are on a box of Lean Pockets: 'Remove from box, place directly in toilet.' Flush Pocket!

  Jim Gaffigan

  Pockets, Toilets, Wonder

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• Sin San Valentín, febrero sería... bueno, enero.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Amor, Familia, Felicidad

  FaceBook post by Jim Gaffigan from Feb 14, 2014

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• Había [ en New York] - parte de ello era esta percepción del Medio Oeste que me di cuenta en esta ciudad multicultural que - y no creo que sea tan cierto como era - pero todo el mundo era como, ¿qué, eres judío? ¿Eres italiano? ¿Y tú qué eres? Ya sabes, ¿eres negro? ¿Eres da-da-da? ¿Eres puertorriqueño? Y así terminé - mi identidad étnica era del Medio Oeste, era pan blanco. Y eso influyó en gran parte de mi stand-up.

  Jim Gaffigan

  New York, Thinking, Italian

  Fuente: www.npr.org

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• I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana - mafia.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Thinking, Mafia

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• I can't believe we got grades in gym class. I've never used anything I learned in there. "All right, I'm standing in front of a room full of strangers. Based on what I learned in gym class, I will throw a red ball at a fat guy."

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Believe, Class

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• Los bebés deberían clasificarse como antidepresivos. Es bastante difícil estar de mal humor cerca de un bebé de 5 meses.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Baby, Bad Mood, Months

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• I do want everyone to feel comfortable. That's why I'd like to talk to you about Jesus.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Jesus, Want, Feels

  "Comic Jim Gaffigan On Stand-Up, Faith And Opening For The Pope". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. September 24, 2015.

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• You ever talk about a movie with someone that read the book? They're always so condescending. 'Ah, the book was much better than the movie.' Oh really? What I enjoyed about the movie: no reading.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Divertido, Libro, Lectura

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• I wouldn't say that comedy brought me away from it.I think that my idea of faith was another obligation in my life.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Thinking, Ideas, Comedy

  "Comic Jim Gaffigan On Stand-Up, Faith And Opening For The Pope". "Fresh Air" with Terry Gross, www.npr.org. September 24, 2015.

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• No sé a ti, pero cuando introdujeron por primera vez el agua embotellada, me pareció tan gracioso que pensé: "¡Agua embotellada! Jaja, ¡venden agua embotellada! ... Supongo que la probaré. Ah, esto es bueno, esto es más acuoso que el agua. Sí, esto tiene un toque de agua".

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Water

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• La gente considera que tener un hijo es retirarse del éxito. Dejarlo. ¿Has visto a un bebé? Son muy lindos. Quererlos es muy fácil. La industria farmacéutica debería clasificar a los bebés sonrientes como un potente antidepresivo. Ser feliz es realmente la definición del éxito, ¿no?

  Jim Gaffigan

  Cute, Baby, Powerful

  Jim Gaffigan (2013). “Dad Is Fat”, p.54, Crown Archetype

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• That's why when I send a postcard I quiz people. "Hey, did you get that postcard?" "Yeah, yeah yeah." "Well what'd I say?" "Uh, you were havin-" "I was in jail"

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, Humor, Jail

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• My wife told me that in the Bible, Abraham circumcised himself... wow! I can't even get to the bank before it closes.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Wife, Wow, Abraham

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• Bacon's the best, even the frying of bacon sounds like an applause.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Sound, Applause, Frying

  "Jim Gaffigan: King Baby", 2009.

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• We’re never satisfied when it comes to food. ‘You know what’d be good on this burger? A ham sandwich. Instead of a bun, let’s use two donuts. That way we can have it for breakfast. Look out McGriddle. Here comes the donut-ham-hamburger!’

  Jim Gaffigan

  Divertido, Humor, Dos

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• How'd we come up with the robe? Was some guy just like, 'Hey, I've got an idea! Why don't we make a coat out of a towel? You can have a little belt that goes around. You could dunk the belt in the toilet! Have a toilet belt.'

  Jim Gaffigan

  Ideas, Guy, Towels

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• I love the impatience of New York... You ever had somebody not ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!!!' ...You know, like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Funny, New York, Tunnels

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• Why would a lazy guy become a parent of five? Then again, why would creative people who inherently don't like change and criticism become writers, actors, or comedians? There's something about this process. I joke about it: My kids have made me a better person, and I only need, like, 34 more of them to be a really good guy.

  Jim Gaffigan

  Kids, People, Creative

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